Will work for cake.

In Watercooler by Heidi Nyburg on Friday, May 27, 2005

Now Playing 3

Twenty signs you’ve been out of work too long:

  • Your heart physically skips a beat with excitement when you realize the Game Show Network is running a Love Connection marathon. Finally all of those cliff hanger studio audience votes resolved in one viewing. You wonder if Chuck Woolery is still hot.
  • You Google Chuck Woolery. He is in fact no longer hot.
  • You’ve spent more than sixty seconds pondering whether or not Tom Cruise’s relationship with Katie Holmes is in fact legitimate Hollywood love or merely a cruel, taunting PR ruse. You have sudden urge to scour the net looking for a poll to voice your opinion on this critical matter.
  • Surprisingly, even with ten extra free hours a day you still cannot seem to find the time to workout.
  • You now harbor a deep, all-consuming hatred for anyone sporting a “Kill your television” sticker on their car bumper.
  • Your new sleep schedule is 2am to 11am. In case of phone inquiries from recruiters you have perfected your “I’ve been awake and immensely productive for hours” voice.
  • You berate yourself for your lack of motivation and wonder “What would Oprah think”?
  • After renting the original, you Fandango tickets to see the first matinee of The Longest Yard. After the cinematic coma passes you compose an extensive Adam Sandler/Burt Reynolds performance comparison piece.
  • You’re convinced that the 132 RSS feeds you have running on Bloglines are in fact critical news resources necessary for staying on the information cutting edge. Certainly one of those endlessly fascinating quips from Snarkfest or some Tara Reid fashion faux pas sited on that Fug site will come in handy during your next round of interviews. Of course it will.
  • Coffee is now a food group.
  • In your house, summer fog is now considered “weather” that one must not venture out into. Fighting all of that icy dampness might lower your resistance to catching a cold. Getting a cold would jeopardize your ability to seek out gainful employment opportunities. Better stay inside and warm yourself by the red hot glow of the Tivo recording light.
  • You begin researching how to nominate Mike Ramsay and Jim Barton for the Nobel Prize.
  • You consider acquiring a purse puppy now that you have time to properly train the pup.
  • Your 40g Ipod is full and includes several extensive play lists representing musical highlights, by genre, from the last four decades.
  • Your 243 title Netflix Queue is now empty.
  • You find time to actually load a photo of your no longer a kitten cat onto kittenwars.com.
  • Ok, twelve photos.
  • Undaunted by the fact that it is only 9am you meticulously follow the detailed instructions sited on Boing Boing to recreate the Guinness Popsicle. At 11am you consume the not quite completely frozen confection. This helps to relax you for phone interviews with potential employers.
  • You have time to compile twenty signs you’ve been out of work too long.
  • Two words: Cartoon Network

    • Land shark.

    In Pop Culture by Heidi Nyburg on Wednesday, May 4, 2005

    Jaws
    Ever think things in your life are going along just a little too splendidly? Surrounded by so much bliss you are left wondering when the doom filled end will come barreling through the door? Well, I do it all the time. Case in point: my relationship with my boyfriend. He is sweet, smart, fun and endlessly supportive. We get along well, rarely fight and when we do argue we argue in an intelligent and respectful manner. He loves to do just about anything even the occasional shopping trip doesn’t send him into an epileptic seizure. Oh and he doesn’t watch sports on television. Perfect. I know it’s sickening. Of course he has his flaws, everyone does. Most of Bob’s flaws are related to romanticism. But let’s be realistic here, this is life, not a harlequin romance novel. With all of that in mind, we are left with the near perfect relationship. Ah you say no relationship is perfect? So do I. [Insert Jaws shark attack music] And not being one to let a moment pass without contemplating some imaginary horrific end to any happiness that happens to stroll through my door, I envision the grisly demise. Here are just a few of those endlessly fascinating yet thoroughly nauseating scenarios:

    1. I receive a call from the producers at the Jerry Springer show inviting me to the taping of the episode entitled “Surprise, someone you know is a cross-dresser and he is secretly dating your mother!”
    2. He finally unpacks all of the boxes in his garage and invites me to see the unveiling of his Demi Moore shrine.
    3. He decides it would be a swell idea to use our vacation time for a North American tour of all things PEZ.
    4. Two words: klepto maniac. I locate the 5 missing cans of tomato and rice soup stolen from my pantry, in the trunk of his car. And yes kleptomaniac is in fact one word, the separation of which is a technique I am using to emphasize the horrific nature of the discovery. Work with me here.

    But honestly, at this point there really is no salaciously gruesome end of us in sight. And try as I may to sabotage things (such a nasty little habit) the relationship remains in a peaceful bliss filled state.

    Oh, hold on a sec… It’s him on the phone. He wants to borrow my Kate Spade bag and he needs my mother’s cell phone number and favorite color.