Cake readers love their mornin’ gossip. And we love to give the readers what they want. Here is some juicy morning smack talkin’ to fill in your non-work doin’ first hour of the day. Oh and we promise to take some Photoshop classes real soon. Until then, continue to enjoy mock our choppy, crooked artistic offerings like the one below.

Lindsay Lohan’s on again off again relationship with “the wagon” is off again. Lindsay and the wagon have been growing apart for months and she was recently seen kanoodling with a Mr. Vodka Straight at Anchor Bar. At one point sources say, she was forgoing the traditional grownup beverage delivery system and taking her vodka like a baby, straight from the bottle. We could talk about how sad it is but this is the snarky gossip portion of the Cake so, no whining.

Katie Holmes, porn star? Yeah, not the Katie Holmes who’s married to Tom super-into-his-religion-not-that-there’s-anything-wrong-with-that Cruise. This Katie is actually Katee Holmes, a fashion design student from Southern California who is planning to lose her virginity on camera. The New York Post reports Katee has hooked up with some veteran porn production types who have promised to produce the film starring her first sexual experience. Not the Bill Clinton kind, real sex. Apparently Katee is using the name Katee as a “tribute” to Katie Holmes because she is a huge Dawson’s Creek fan. With fans like that, who needs enemies? Uh yeah, Katee, shouldn’t a tribute be something that the tributee actually appreciates? Like a scholarship fund in their name or maybe a sandwich named in their honor? Having your cherry popped on camera while using your hero’s name with a replacement vowel? That’s just rude.

More gossip with fewer words:

Napoleon Dynamite and his wife had a baby girl. People

Jessica Biel shops for radishes. No really, that’s it. That’s the entire story. Scandalous. x-17 Don’t even click that. Why are you clicking? It’s radishes.

Just look at the weird Jessica Biel tongue pic instead: