It’s no secret that we love cereal which is why we have always had a soft spot for breakfast. Not only is breakfast the most important meal of the day, it’s the best meal of the day, because of cereal. However, we know most people like to mix it up a bit when it comes to the morning meal and we’re right there with you, variety is a good thing. Unless it involves any of the grotesque breakfast offerings on our first ever Top 5 Gross Out Breakfast Products list.

#1- Beer Jelly

Ever wake up with an overwhelming need desire for a nice cold one? Sure you have, but it’s 7 am, and there’s no way you’re gonna get away with the old stand by “it’s 5 o’clock somewhere” ’cause basically, it’s not. Well, here’s the product for you, Beer Jelly. Who doesn’t love a little beer with their toast? We’ll toast to that!

#2-Batter Blaster Spray Pancake Batter

Listen, we hear ya, mixing batter and water and an egg is really hard work, what with the carpel tunnel and the tennis elbow. Well the product development gods have heard the cries of the masses and responded in kind with Batter Blaster Spray Pancake and Waffle Batter. It’s organic and there’s no exhausting stirring involved, just a shake or two. Plus it looks kinda fun, like making pancakes out of Silly String. See the Batter Blaster in action:

Batter Blaster in Action

#3 Green Tea Cereal

Anti-oxidants anti-schmoxidants, we’re not eating this. First they tried to slip in the green tea ice cream and we almost fell for it, but it’s not going to work this time. We only eat cereals that are chock full of candy or marshmallows or are posing as cookies and don’t look like Soylent Green.

#4 Liquid Cereal

Isn’t this really just an excuse to drink soda for breakfast? What would happen if you poured the Peanut Butter flavored liquid cereal over Cocoa Krispies? Planetary implosion or Reese’s Peanut Butter genius!

Here’s a video of how it might go down:

#5 Toaster Scrambles

Ew. Turning Toaster Strudel into a savory selection by replacing gelatinous sugary fruit with bits o’egg and bacon is akin to wrapping a Slim Jim in white bread and sticking it in the toaster. Good luck with that.

What’s for breakfast?

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We love cereal, like a lot. If were were stranded on a desert island and could only bring one food, cereal would be our desert island delicacy. What’s that you ask, if we love it so much why don’t we marry it? Well, we tried but Gavin Newsom hasn’t been able to get the council members to sign off on same cereal marriage rights. So for now, we will have to settle for dressing up as our favorite cereal characters for Halloween.

Seven delicious not just for breakfast anymore cereal Halloween costumes.

#1- Channel your inner Captain Crunch without shredding the roof of your mouth. Loving how this guy is cereously in character.

#2- Count Chocula whom we always mistook for The Count on Sesame Street.

#3- It’s the pinktastic Frankenberry with his signature serving of strawberry Quik in the bottom of every bowl. A certified Matthew Caverhill favorite.

#4- Why be a plain old sheet wearing ghost when you can be BooBerry? What if BooBerry could sing really well, you know like the sexy, soul-filled kind of singing? Would he be BooBerry White?

#5 Lucky Charms, now with iPhone shaped Marshmallows.

#6 Where’s your English to Snap Crackle Pop dictionary when you need it?

#7- Wheaties. Yawn. It’s last for a reason. Who dresses up as an orange box filled with boring brown flakes suffering from a serious lack of sugar, artificial color and flavoring?

What puts the crunch in your bowl?

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This is HUGE! Starbuck’s founder Howard Schultz’s VC firm just kicked down a frosty $27.5 million to frozen yogurt darling Pinkberry! Does this mean that Northern California will be seeing their first Pinkberry locations popping up soon? We can only dream.

Here’s Matthew Boyle’s Fortune article with all of the details but no mention of a time frame for expansion. A quick check of the Pinkberry site reveals a new message under the “franchise” information link that says: watch this page for future updates. For now we can only continue to hit refresh for updates on the new store locations page. Drool.

(Fortune) — Red-hot frozen yogurt chain Pinkberry has received a $27.5 million infusion of cash from Starbucks founder Howard Schultz’s venture capital firm, Fortune has learned.

The deal, which will be announced later today, confirms long-held speculation that Seattle-based Maveron - whose prior investments include eBay, drugstore.com, and Good Technology, now owned by Motorola - sees a bright future for Pinkberry, which was launched two years ago by a failed restaurateur and a former nightclub bouncer. (See story here.)

Schultz was not available to comment, but in a press release touting the deal he called Pinkberry founders Shelly Hwang and Young Lee “visionary entrepreneurs” and labeled their brand “a cultural phenomenon.”

The burgeoning chain now has 32 stores in New York and Los Angeles, and plans to grow by expanding its roster of company-owned stores and franchises. Hwang and Lee told Fortune earlier this year that they hope to have 50 locations by year-end. Stores in Las Vegas and London are also on tap.

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In other words, how we spent our Summer vacation.

Ice Cream is the quintessential summer time treat and our own extensive research indicates that hot summer nights increase cone consumption significantly. All of this conesumption, if you will, has the think tanks filled with designers of creamy confections working hard to keep up with the Coneses. Consumers demand variety and in today’s snacktastic market where ice cream isn’t just a scoop on a cone, it’s 11 scoops in a deep fried waffle bowl with couple of candy bars mixed in then expertly garnished with several chocolate dipped baked goods. Here is the ultimate blow your daily caloric intake in one sitting list of evil summer treats to end all lists of ultimate blow your daily caloric intake in one sitting evil summer treats.

# 7 Giant Chocolate Dipped Cone

This layercake favorite comes in at lucky number 7, and it just doesn’t get better than this. It’s simply divine. Dark chocolate carefully envelopes deep vanilla soft serve and sit sits meltily atop the classic cake cone. Why do they call it a cake cone? It’s not made from cake, doesn’t look like a cake and still it gets cake credit. Let’s get a real cake cone. Remember when cones had names on them? Yeah, we got jacked, our names were never on cones. Maybe we didn’t get jacked, maybe the real bummer is having a name that would appear a cone. Like Suzy or Sally. No offense. Calories in the large version of this precious classic: 670 with 31 grams of fatty fatterson. Nicely done.

#6 - Starbuck’s Strawberries & Crème Frappuccino® Blended Crème

Summer treats aren’t just for licking, raising your summer calorie count is even easier when you use a straw. While this adorable pink Summer offering from Starbucks contains no caffeine buzz, it does pack a giant jolt of calories and fat. When sized as a vente it packs a not so bathing suit friendly 750 calories and an abs of steel crushing 15 grams of fat.

# 5 Klondike’s Choco Taco

Yeah it’s a taco and yeah it’s ice cream-tastic. This venture into dinner time menu items reinterpreted as ice cream has us yearning for Choco raviolis, Chocolli or Mashed Choctatoes. Wait, wouldn’t that just be chocolate mousse? Whatever, bring it on. Choco Taco packs 300 calories and 15 grams a fat. Now that may seem like a drop in the proverbial calorie bucket but let’s be realistic, at just 4 ounces there is no way that just one Choco Taco would satisfy your craving for yum. Besides, who eats just one taco? So for the Choco Taco we are going with an obnoxious serving size of 2 which brings the calorie count to a far more list worthy 600 with 30 grams of fat.

# 4 Funnel Cake

Sometimes Summer treats aren’t frozen at all. Such is the case with the carnival and boardwalk favorite the funnel cake. The act of breathing in the scent of a funnel cake baking frying is so delicious that it should technically count as calories consumed. Now fill that golden brown fried cake with fruit, chocolate and whipped cream and you’ve got some serious calories, 760 to be exact. And accompanying those calories, they hate to travel alone, is a ginormous 40 grams of fat. Delish!

# 3 Dairy Queen Chocolate Malt

Calories weren’t invented yesterday. Even old-fashioned treats with their innocent names and lack of candy bar mix ins can be loaded with calories. Case in point, the classic chocolate malt. You know the one you sip while sitting on a barstool at the soda fountain. You could order a chocolate malt at 1300 calories and 31 grams of fat, but check out that soda jerk, he’s the hotness! Hmm better order the seltzer water with vanilla.

# 2 Baskin Robbin’s Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Sundae

The fastest way to increase the calorie and fat content of any dish is to simply add Peanut Butter. 31 Flavors knows this and they are fearless in their implementation. Not only is this dish loaded with peanut butter sauce and a layer of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, it’s also sporting a hefty three scoop serving of chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream. Topped with whipped cream and peanut butter cup chunks this dish weighs in at 1400 calories and 90 grams of fat. Yeah, that’s right, 90 grams of fat. What?

# 1 Chilli’s Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie

Prefer to consume your sinful summer time treats from the comfort of a tufted vinyl booth? Have a thing for plastic coated menus? Welcome to Chilli’s home of all kinds of stuff that no self respecting human should ever eat. Loaded with vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, and lots of pie-like ingredients, this self proclaimed piece of paradise is practically a lobbyist for obesity at 1600 calories and 78 grams of fat.

What’s your favorite?

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Reviewed: Banana Twinkies

Let’s begin with the Unwrapping:

The initial unwrapping revealed a scent that was distinctly faux banana, but wasn’t strong enough to over-power the familiar sponge-cake aroma. Kind of like banana lip gloss but not in a tube and not made of wax. So, nothing at all like banana lip gloss. The color of the cakes and stickiness to the touch are identical to non-banana Twinkies. When the Twinkie is removed from the cardboard base, pieces of the golden brown sponge cake bottom stick to the card leaving behind the snack-cake equivalent of a lick-able yogurt lid to enjoy later.

Plating Up

We served our Banana Twinkie on Port Townsend bone-china with a Special Dark drizzle and a fresh strawberry garnish. In the interest of tasting accuracy, special care was taken so that only one Twinkie was placed in the chocolate, leaving one plain Banana Twinkie.

The first bite of Banana Twinkie tasted nearly identical to a regular Twinkie since the first bite never really contains much cream. It’s like the amuse bouche, teasing us into the Twinkie. The second bite revealed a fluffy light banana flavor that was not cloying or intense, leaving the integrity of the traditional sponge cake flavor intact. The banana flavor is light and the scent is almost stronger than the flavor. Consecutive bites tasted less and less Twinkie-ish as the banana cream increased in quantity. Several bites were taken with the chocolate drizzle which did seem to over-power the Twinkie.

The last bite consisted of mostly Twinkie cake and served as a welcome reminder that we were in fact eating a Twinkie. While the Banana Twinkie is an exciting addition to the snack-cake market, in this reviewer’s opinion, the original Twinkie is better tasting than its Banana flavored cousin. But neither would be kicked out of bed for leaving crumbs behind.

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We found these luxurious looking condiment covers over on the always delightful Luxist. Luxist is a fabulous blog filled with things we can never afford to actually own. At least not as long as we are living off the measly salary afforded us by the Evil Layercake Bosslord.

Evil Layercake Bosslord. Note the shocking resemblance to Boris Badenov

So, the next time you want to make the epicurean task of spreading Ketchup on your Kobe beef burger a bit more shiny, try housing your condiments in these bad mamma jammas. Oh yes, we just used a Carl Carlton lyric in a run-on sentence.

Purchase these sparklers and other items from the way back machine at Retro to Go

Marmite is for suckers. Just sayin’.

Get your Carl Carlton Onnnnnnnnnnn.

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Apparently the marketing geniuses at M &M Mars believe that candy consumers consider eating dark chocolate a miserable task to be avoided. Until. Now. Brilliant.

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We’re not sure what bunnies and chocolate eggs have to do with this religious holiday but anytime cake is involved, Layercake.net has an obligation to participate.

Sorry, Rabbit; Ipods are for kids.

Ipod Close Up…

Ear buds…

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This is a piece of fruit. This is a giant piece of fruit. However, more shocking than the size of this fruit is the realization that the professional shopping addicts team here at Layercake.net shops for consumer goods that are *not* purses or shoes or cool techie gadgets.

A girl’s gotta eat.

Jack Fruit flaunts its giganticness in the face of papaya

What’s in your cart?

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I’m in the middle of a very difficult break up. After doing some serious soul searching I know ending it was the right thing to do. The relationship had become toxic. Unhealthy in every way. So, I’ve done it. I’ve broken up with Cereal.

We’d been together for so long that I’m not even sure where it went wrong. It all started out so innocently. Meeting over a bowl of milk and watching cartoons together. Cereal was so sweet and thoughtful too, always offering a prize at the end of our dates. Through college we spent less and less time apart. I introduced Cereal to my friends. We ate nearly every meal together. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, mid-night post keg-party snacks, handfulls while pulling all night study sessions. I know they say admitting the problem is the hardest part. I beg to differ. The hardest part was watching my Sugar, Cereal walk out of my life and out of breakfast forever. No longer having Cereal in my life is breaking my heart into brightly colored tiny little marshmallow pieces.

It’s been two weeks since I last saw Cereal. It was at the grocery store, on aisle nine. I tried to remain focused on the granola bars, never meeting Cereal’s sparkely blue star-shaped eyes. It was all I could do to keep myself from just grabbing onto Cereal and taking it home for a romantic evening with a carafe of 2% lactose free milk. Instead I left the store without even saying hello. It was agonizing.

I slept fitfully that night, unable to put the near run in with Cereal out of my mind. In the morning I returned to my new morning breakfast menu of yogurt, fruit and cottage cheese. I turned on the television and there bouncing brightly on the screen, it was Cereal. Looking more multi-colored than ever… and with someone new. I think Cereal had even added chocolate oat bits. Cereal was better than ever… without me. It was then that I realized Cereal had moved on. It was time for me to move on too. I quickly changed the channel from Nick to CNBC and took a bite of melon. Breakfast would never be the same.

Since the break up I’m ashamed to say I have found myself surfing the web late at night, cruising the Lucky Charms fun pages. Lurking on the Kellogg’s Fun K Town site, playing Cereal games and looking at old photographs. Yes, jonesing for Cereal. Cereal is appearantly the new crack.

Other places to get a Cereal fix:

Cereality Cereal Bar and Cafe. At Cereality, the official tagline is “95% of Americans like Cereal. 57% like sex. We’ve got cereal.” And it’s true, they’ve got all the best cereal served any way you like it, hot or cold. At Cereality, customers can create personalized blends of cereals, toppings and flavored milk crystals. The friendly pajama clad employees will make your mixture into a breakfast bar, a blended drink or serve it up traditional style in a fancy signature Cereality to-go bowl. There’s even a Moo Bar with every kind of milk imaginable. So, if you are in Chicago, Arizona or Pennsyvania visit this innovative cafe style take on breakfast fast food. Too bad there isn’t a location in California. Well, in my case, it’s probably for the best..

Pine for Cereals of the past and present:
At Nostalgia Central you can take a walk down memory lane with other equally spun Cereal junkies. And if your feeling bitter, Richard Berry at RetroCrush has a great photo collection of Cereal concepts wrong including such jems as OJs orange juice flavored cereal and Post Crispy Numbers .

Read up on Cereal’s every move:

The Empty Bowl reports all things newsworthy in the world of Cereal. Recent news includes a piece entitled “Reduced Sugar Cocoa Puffs - Dancing with the Devil?” by Empty Bowl staff writer Mike D. It’s like CNN for Cereal. You can also take surveys and show your love of all things Cereal with Empty Bowl’s own line of Cerealistic fashions and accessories.

Get a job at a company that supports your addiction:

Reason #1,063 to work for Google: FREE CEREAL!! It’s true. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Every floor of every building has a snack bar loaded with all of your colorful marshmallow laden favorites packed in convenient ready for milk bowls. And speaking of milk, the refrigerators are loaded with every fat denomination of milk including soy milk! And you thought the stock options were motivating.

UPDATE:

Why must Safeway mock me?

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