#1- Beer Jelly watch good luck chuck online

Ever wake up with an overwhelming need desire for a nice cold one? Sure you have, but it’s 7 am, and there’s no way you’re gonna get away with the old stand by “it’s 5 o’clock somewhere” ’cause basically, it’s not. Well, here’s the product for you, Beer Jelly. Who doesn’t love a little beer with their toast? We’ll toast to that!

#2-Batter Blaster Spray Pancake Batter

Listen, we hear ya, mixing batter and water and an egg is really hard work, what with the carpel tunnel and the tennis elbow. Well the product development gods have heard the cries of the masses and responded in kind with Batter Blaster Spray Pancake and Waffle Batter. It’s organic and there’s no exhausting stirring involved, just a shake or two. Plus it looks kinda fun, like making pancakes out of Silly String. See the Batter Blaster in action:

Batter Blaster in Action

#3 Green Tea Cereal

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Anti-oxidants anti-schmoxidants, we’re not eating this. First they tried to slip in the green tea ice cream and we almost fell for it, but it’s not going to work this time. We only eat cereals that are chock full of candy or marshmallows or are posing as cookies and don’t look like Soylent Green.

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#4 Liquid Cereal

Isn’t this really just an excuse to drink soda for breakfast? What would happen if you poured the Peanut Butter flavored liquid cereal over Cocoa Krispies? Planetary implosion or Reese’s Peanut Butter genius!

Here’s a video of how it might go down:

#5 Toaster Scrambles

Ew. Turning Toaster Strudel into a savory selection by replacing gelatinous sugary fruit with bits o’egg and bacon is akin to wrapping a Slim Jim in white bread and sticking it in the toaster. Good luck with that.

What’s for breakfast?

Let’s begin with the Unwrapping:

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The initial unwrapping revealed a scent that was distinctly faux banana, but wasn’t strong enough to over-power the familiar sponge-cake aroma. Kind of like banana lip gloss but not in a tube and not made of wax. So, nothing at all like banana lip gloss. The color of the cakes and stickiness to the touch are identical to non-banana Twinkies. When the Twinkie is removed from the cardboard base, pieces of the golden brown sponge cake bottom stick to the card leaving behind the snack-cake equivalent of a lick-able yogurt lid to enjoy later.

Plating Up

We served our Banana Twinkie on Port Townsend bone-china with a Special Dark drizzle and a fresh strawberry garnish. In the interest of tasting accuracy, special care was taken so that only one Twinkie was placed in the chocolate, leaving one plain Banana Twinkie.

The first bite of Banana Twinkie tasted nearly identical to a regular Twinkie since the first bite never really contains much cream. It’s like the amuse bouche, teasing us into the Twinkie. The second bite revealed a fluffy light banana flavor that was not cloying or intense, leaving the integrity of the traditional sponge cake flavor intact. The banana flavor is light and the scent is almost stronger than the flavor. Consecutive bites tasted less and less Twinkie-ish as the banana cream increased in quantity. Several bites were taken with the chocolate drizzle which did seem to over-power the Twinkie.

The last bite consisted of mostly Twinkie cake and served as a welcome reminder that we were in fact eating a Twinkie. While the Banana Twinkie is an exciting addition to the snack-cake market, in this reviewer’s opinion, the original Twinkie is better tasting than its Banana flavored cousin. But neither would be kicked out of bed for leaving crumbs behind.

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So, the next time you want to make the epicurean task of spreading Ketchup on your Kobe beef burger a bit more shiny, try housing your condiments in these bad mamma jammas. Oh yes, we just used a Carl Carlton lyric in a run-on sentence.

Purchase these sparklers and other items from the way back machine at Retro to Go

Marmite is for suckers. Just sayin’.

Get your Carl Carlton Onnnnnnnnnnn.

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Sorry, Rabbit; Ipods are for kids.

Ipod Close Up…

Ear buds…

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This is a piece of fruit. This is a giant piece of fruit. However, more shocking than the size of this fruit is the realization that the professional shopping addicts team here at Layercake.net shops for consumer goods that are *not* purses or shoes or cool techie gadgets.

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A girl’s gotta eat.

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What’s in your cart?

I’m in the middle of a very difficult break up. After doing some serious soul searching I know ending it was the right thing to do. The relationship had become toxic. Unhealthy in every way. So, I’ve done it. I’ve broken up with Cereal.

We’d been together for so long that I’m not even sure where it went wrong. It all started out so innocently. Meeting over a bowl of milk and watching cartoons together. Cereal was so sweet and thoughtful too, always offering a prize at the end of our dates. Through college we spent less and less time apart. I introduced Cereal to my friends. We ate nearly every meal together. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, mid-night post keg-party snacks, handfulls while pulling all night study sessions. I know they say admitting the problem is the hardest part. I beg to differ. The hardest part was watching my Sugar, Cereal walk out of my life and out of breakfast forever. No longer having Cereal in my life is breaking my heart into brightly colored tiny little marshmallow pieces.

It’s been two weeks since I last saw Cereal. It was at the grocery store, on aisle nine. I tried to remain focused on the granola bars, never meeting Cereal’s sparkely blue star-shaped eyes. It was all I could do to keep myself from just grabbing onto Cereal and taking it home for a romantic evening with a carafe of 2% lactose free milk. Instead I left the store without even saying hello. It was agonizing.

I slept fitfully that night, unable to put the near run in with Cereal out of my mind. In the morning I returned to my new morning breakfast menu of yogurt, fruit and cottage cheese. I turned on the television and there bouncing brightly on the screen, it was Cereal. Looking more multi-colored than ever… and with someone new. I think Cereal had even added chocolate oat bits. Cereal was better than ever… without me. It was then that I realized Cereal had moved on. It was time for me to move on too. I quickly changed the channel from Nick to CNBC and took a bite of melon. Breakfast would never be the same.

Since the break up I’m ashamed to say I have found myself surfing the web late at night, cruising the Lucky Charms fun pages. Lurking on the Kellogg’s Fun K Town site, playing Cereal games and looking at old photographs. Yes, jonesing for Cereal. Cereal is appearantly the new crack.

Other places to get a Cereal fix:

Cereality Cereal Bar and Cafe. At Cereality, the official tagline is “95% of Americans like Cereal. 57% like sex. We’ve got cereal.” And it’s true, they’ve got all the best cereal served any way you like it, hot or cold. At Cereality, customers can create personalized blends of cereals, toppings and flavored milk crystals. The friendly pajama clad employees will make your mixture into a breakfast bar, a blended drink or serve it up traditional style in a fancy signature Cereality to-go bowl. There’s even a Moo Bar with every kind of milk imaginable. So, if you are in Chicago, Arizona or Pennsyvania visit this innovative cafe style take on breakfast fast food. Too bad there isn’t a location in California. Well, in my case, it’s probably for the best..

Pine for Cereals of the past and present:
At Nostalgia Central you can take a walk down memory lane with other equally spun Cereal junkies. And if your feeling bitter, Richard Berry at RetroCrush has a great photo collection of Cereal concepts wrong including such jems as OJs orange juice flavored cereal and Post Crispy Numbers .

Read up on Cereal’s every move:

The Empty Bowl reports all things newsworthy in the world of Cereal. Recent news includes a piece entitled “Reduced Sugar Cocoa Puffs – Dancing with the Devil?” by Empty Bowl staff writer Mike D. It’s like CNN for Cereal. You can also take surveys and show your love of all things Cereal with Empty Bowl’s own line of Cerealistic fashions and accessories.

Get a job at a company that supports your addiction:

Reason #1,063 to work for Google: FREE CEREAL!! It’s true. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Every floor of every building has a snack bar loaded with all of your colorful marshmallow laden favorites packed in convenient ready for milk bowls. And speaking of milk, the refrigerators are loaded with every fat denomination of milk including soy milk! And you thought the stock options were motivating.

UPDATE:

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For the last several months Starbucks has been printing brief editorials on their coffee cups. The series is called “The way I see it”, each piece is written by someone famous or influential in some way; an author, political commentator, or an Olympic athlete. Anyway, you get the picture. I’m not sure how many guest writers have taken a stab at the catchy cup commentary and the Starbucks’s website doesn’t reference the series but after reading a couple of them I kind of wish I could learn more about what the intent of these paper cup blogs or er.. “clogs” if you will. So, I started clicking around a bit and while I wasn’t able to locate any press release or merchandising information for “The way I see it” I did find a few articles and blog entries discussing the cups and the controversy over some offended conservatives. Hm “offended conservatives” I guess that’s a bit redundant. So, after all of that clicking, I can also say for certain that just as there is a Starbucks on nearly every corner of every major city and suburb, there is also a website dedicated to the ginormous brand on every corner in cyberspace. So if you’re eating lunch in your office and you find yourself fantasizing about a frothy Frappaccino or coveting a creamy Cappuccino, curb your craving with a visit to some very interesting and sometimes rather um, how shall I put this, very passionate web sites dedicated entirely to all things Starbuck.

The Oracle of Starbucks rules of attraction the divx download created by Jennifer Bishop Fulwiler promises to tell you all about your personality based on your Starbucks drink of choice.

Here’s what the mighty Oracle has to say about my drink of choice in relation to my personality disorder:

Behold the Oracle’s wisdom:
Personality type: Freak

No person of sound mind would go to an EXPENSIVE COFFEE SHOP to get a drink WITHOUT CAFFEINE. Your hobbies include going to ski resorts in the summer and flushing $5 bills down the toilet. You are a menace to society.

Also drinks: Non-alcoholic beer
Can also be found at: Pools with no water

Talk some frothy smack about Starbucks:
Starbucks Gossip. It’s like Us magazine for coffee.

Grande extra foam no love for Starbucks:
Not so much with the liking of the Starbucks at I hate starbucks.com. Now, just to clarify, this is not to say I am a lover or a hater of Starbucks. And I cannot deny that I have been known to get my venti-decaf-low fat-extra foam-mocha-with whip on when the methadone clinic is closed. Yes I am aware that ordering low fat milk with whip is sort of a walking contradiction. Don’t they cancel each other out calorically speaking? And yes, calorically is not a word. But then neither is ginormous. Yet.

Venti extra hot passionate about Starbucks:
Lover of Starbucks everywhere. The self-proclaimed Starbucks “enthusiast” Winter (his full name), is on a mission to visit EVERY SINGLE STARBUCKS IN THE WORLD.

In closing, my own expression of passion for Starbucks in the ancient form of Haiku

Starbucks Haiku by: Heidi Nyburg

roast, grind, brew and pour
there’s no”x” in espresso.

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